paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
If looks could kill
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Oh we’ve met.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.