I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“you recording!?”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
this is uni