My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.