Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Bike for sale
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Smile they said.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.