[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
🤣😈🤣
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore