Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Meow
how much for the angry fruit?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Muppet Screams
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.