Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren鈥檛 that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don鈥檛 be Treasure鈥檚 parents
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter鈥檚 boyfriend every time he leaves
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My glasses are broken but I鈥檝e got a glasses repair kit except I can鈥檛 find it because my glasses are broken
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I鈥檝e seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I鈥檝e never seen a fight like this before, it鈥檚 not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?