GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Warm pools make me nervous.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous