astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
You Might Also Like
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The Backseat Boys
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.