Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”