trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Google Pay be like:
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
it was a valiant fight
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them