King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
the best thing i’ve ever made
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.