*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.