Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe