she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho