My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You Might Also Like
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.