Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?