It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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This January has 47 Mondays
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
A friend helps you before you need it
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby