Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
yes… yes…
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Blew my mind.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.