waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Pretty much. 🤣
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”