Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots