Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?