We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
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Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The happy life.. 😊
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?