everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My life in a nutshell
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?