Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
sugar glider wrangler
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.