My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Science memes
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.