I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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You are not alone 💚
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase