You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?