Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real