No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
As the Lord intended
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.