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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light