that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall