RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
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Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
*serious situation*
My brain:
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
no one likes gloating
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Thoughts
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.