*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Another interesting #factupdates post!