My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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house sitting!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The three genders
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.