Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Noah was an idiot.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.