“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.