[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once