Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too