me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
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When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.