Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*