[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Sunday
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.