4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Breaking news:
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
sliding into dms like