Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?