just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!