I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.