Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
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[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
new record!
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”