This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume