My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I was bored.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.