Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You Might Also Like
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent